Permission Impossible

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Approved

 

For much of my adult life, I’ve been waiting on something.

Until recently, I wasn’t entirely sure what that something was, but, I could just feel it holding me back.

It’s the little voice that talks me out of ordering the pasta (It’s too many carbs!), or buying the new pair of shoes (They’re too much $$$!), or taking time for myself (There’s just too much to do!!!). All those little restrictions we place on ourselves, day-in-day-out, seem so minor that we lose sight of their collective effect.

The truth is, all those little “no-no’s,” add up to something pretty significant: A Lack Mentality.

When we are constantly coming from a place of lack, no’s, and next time’s…there is no way to bring abundance into our lives or into the lives of the people around us. We stop ourselves before we get started.

While I’m no therapist, I’m pretty sure the lack mindset stems from many origins: Childhood. Growing pains. Relationships, both failed and successful. All life’s rejections, big and small. Lack grows. Lack builds on itself. It gets woven into our DNA, neuropathways, and ends up effecting our decision making dramatically. The tricky thing is that, in order to repair this flawed and limiting mindset, we have to forge our own, new paths. No more relying on the wisdom of our elders, no drawing on the pain of experiences past, and no implementing the peer check-and-balance system. We have to decide, independently and firmly, despite all evidence that would have us believe otherwise, that we are worth it.

Recently, I’ve found myself asking “Whose permission am I waiting on anyway?” I just turned thirty for fuck’s sake. It strikes me, as a self-sufficient adult, I shouldn’t have to wait for anyone but myself. Yet, I continue to check in with family, friends, even co-workers to make sure that what I’m doing is “OK.” I need that stamp of approval. I want to be told I’m making the right choice, doing the right thing.

The thing is, I don’t need to be told what’s right and what’s wrong. I already know. We all do. And, I’m fairly certain at this point, even when I’m not 100% right, the mistakes I make are meant to teach me something. But, really, who the fuck knows?

I often think that the day I’ll finally feel like a real adult is the day when I make all my own decisions without running them by my mom or my cousin to make sure I’m not fucking up big-time. And, don’t get me wrong, I think checking in with the people you care about is GOOD. It’s healthy to get an outside opinion. But, let opinion be the operative word there. It’s when we come to rely on other’s advice to make our final decisions that we get ourselves into hot water.

Give yourself permission to make the choice YOU need to make. It may not look the way your mom, dad, cousin, or best friend think it should. And, that might be scary. It’s scary for me. But, at the end of the day, my mom, dad, cousin, best friend…not-a-one of them has to live with my choices. I do.

Unless it comes from your own gut…it’s never going to feel right.

The reality is, sometimes the choices you make will dissapoint, upset, and scare other people. You can’t make everyone happy. It’s impossible. Did you get that? Because it’s really important:

YOU CAN’T MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY. IT’S IMPOSSIBLE.

 

My advice: Forget trying to figure out the right thing. Figure out the right thing, for you.

Stay saucy,

Sarah

 

The Not-So-Great Escape

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ESCAPEFISH

Who doesn’t love a great escape?

We all have our little exit strategies. In fact, I have an extensive repertoire of escape plans that expertly let me off the hook for any and all of my (in)actions. No matter what task I’m facing, I always have an escape route. Sometimes several. It’s one of those defense mechanisms that seems really brilliant in its conception, but, the long term results of escape: No Bueno.

Escape plans allow for, wait for it…wait for it…ESCAPE.

Come on! Who wouldn’t want to hear, while they’re waist-high in shit, that they have the option to bail the fuck outta there? It’s human nature. If things suck, in general, we tend to avoid them. It makes sense. But, I’m discovering, the longer I have my wits about me, the best lessons are learned while we’re wading through the crap. Sure, it stinks, it’s uncomfortable, and when we’re finally out, more often than not, it appears that we have nothing to show for having made the horrendous journey. Therein lies the lesson: Sometimes, you find out the hard way that there isn’t always a door prize for your effort. That shit you’re caked in? Congratulations! That’s your prize! I hope you learned something, because there ain’t no escaping this one kids: Growing up blows.

We attempt escape for lots of reasons, but let’s boil it down. Because really, at the end of the day — it’s all about fear. Nine out of ten times, the thing I’m avoiding, the thing I’m telling myself isn’t the best bet, or even a possible bet — it’s fear. Fear that I’m not going to get the mythical thing I’ve envisioned.

We stay in places we should leave. And, we tell ourselves some pretty amazing lies. We make it sound good. We romance ourselves. You know what I mean. You tell yourself to stay when you KNOW you shouldn’t because, if you stay:

  • You know what you’re getting.
  • It’ll be better this time…
  • You can change this.
  • They can change this.
  • This may be your only chance!
  • Once you leave this place, there’s no way back!

Yeah. Lies. Lies. Lies.

Stop! Bubble busting time!

Hammertime

Finding freedom is all about running through the burning building of your mind. Finding an escape route on the fly — alone and mid-crisis. Stay in the burning building for an extra minute, get some smoke in your lungs and feel the heat*.  If you run out too early, it can only mean missing out on valuable truths about yourself. If you reframe your fear, the escape plan itself becomes magical. So, find your proverbial unicorn and then: Get the fuck outta dodge!

What if you embraced what might happen, what could happen? Be honest. If what should have happened had actually happened, you wouldn’t find yourself with this dilemma. Instead of copping out and staying put — JUST GO!

  • Be unsure, and be surprised.
  • It could be good. From the get-go. Like, whoa.
  • Action IS change.
  • No one is perfect, don’t rely on others to make you happy, they don’t determine your outcome.
  • There are unlimited chances.
  • If you’re meant to be somewhere or with someone, there is always a way back.

 

My Advice: Wade through some shit. Walk through a burning building or two. Ride your well-earned unicorn into the sunset — now that’s an escape!

 

Stay saucy,

Sarah

 

*SaucySobriety.com would like to note here that we do NOT recommend you stay in a building that is literally burning. This is a metaphor. Please see your building’s fire codes for escape plans in the event of an actual fire.

 

 

Finding Yourself(ie)

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image

When I first got sober, I thought I knew who I was. But, I wasn’t going to tell you.

Even just a few, short months ago I wasn’t interested in broadcasting my sobriety, at all. It’s never been something I’ve tried to hide, but I haven’t been especially open about it either. For a long time, it was information I distributed on a need-to-know-basis. The people in my life who needed to know, knew. I left everyone else to wonder.

Yet, here I am. Locked and loaded. Fully equipped with a fucking dot com, selling my alchie-soul to Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Instagram. How does this happen?

Simply put, I found myself(ie). That little voice I’d been shhhhushing for so long, well, it turns out, she actually had something to say. It took some time for me to decipher what was divulging too much. I asked myself: How much of my story did I really want to tell? Tough call. Historically, I’ve been a pretty private person. So, it shouldn’t be surprising that sobriety wasn’t the Girl Scout badge I wanted to showcase. For a long time, to me, sobriety equated alcoholism–one required the other. I wasn’t ready to out myself.

It’s not that I don’t have pride in the work I’ve done or the person I’ve become, I sure as fuck do. But, somewhere along the line, I decided that I wasn’t going to let sobriety be the thing that defined me. Promptly following that decision the inevitable question arose: If sobriety doesn’t define me, what does?

zoo

OK, so, I’m no longer shitfaced and miserable. Now what? What makes me tick? What do I want to do now that I’m not glued to a bar stool? I batted ideas around like a kitten for 18 months. I had no idea. I couldn’t decide. And, I wasn’t alone.

The wonderful world of 12-Step provided me with a host of littermates that were similarly phased by their new found freedom from being constantly intoxicated. I started to see a theme. My former-drunk-y pals had either started to run with their sobriety, acting on their goals and dreams, or, their asses were glued to folding chairs in church basements 24/7, clinging to paper coffee cups to keep them from floating off into lunar orbit. I didn’t know which category I fell into. Was I goal oriented? Or, was I just hangin’ on to my cup of Folger’s for dear life?  I came to realize that I wasn’t either. More importantly, I didn’t have to be. I started making my own plans. The 12-Step Kool-Aid is delicious, but, it’s not going to take me to my spaceship.

After much hunting and soul searching I came to discover that: You are my spaceship. Yes, you. Since you’re reading this, I assume you care about what I have to say, or, at the very least, you are so judgmental that you’ve taken the time to note how craptastic I am!

But seriously, this is where my heart is: Writing my experience. I open my mouth, I speak, and I hope someone is listening. And yes, it’s true, I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing with my life, but, I will always desire to be heard.

And so, Saucy Sobriety was born: An unabashed look at my sober-life, not my sober-alcoholism. In this blog, it’s me you’re getting–not the alcoholic. Though, I do happen to be one. For me, sobriety isn’t about alcoholism. It’s about freedom.

Finding yourself(ie) is an ongoing process. (So, you may find your iPhone handy-dandy for last-minute edits…)

My mistake was making recovery my life. When I made my life about living, the story wrote itself.

 

My advice: Don’t wait until you have a plan. You don’t need one. Put pen to paper and write.

Stay saucy,

Sarah

 

Carrots. Forks. Feelings.

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carrot-300x222

Those of you that are of the “I’ll-never-be-sober-for-more-than-3-days-at-a-go” variety: This one’s for you.

I used to be  you.

Once upon a time, everything I did seemed impossibly difficult: Work. Sleep. Human interaction.

And perhaps, it’s because I did it all, drunk. Yes, being wasted made everything seem so much easier. So, effortless. If I wasn’t drunk already, my drinks were the carrots I dangled in front of my every errand and task. It was my only reward: Get through this shift, get through this conversation, get through this day. Then — Boom Shakalaka: Get your drink on guuurrrlll!

Well, the thing is, this type of reward system ends up failing. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually, it will collapse. It will collapse fast and hard, like: JENGA muthafuckas! There comes a time when Jim Beam’s dangling carrot is no longer enough. And when you get to that point, there’s a big ol’ fork in the road:

Path #1: Get real with your bad self.

Or, the more likely, ever-popular:

Path #2: Start drinking more, more, more!

And, much like the song, once you’ve gone down the more-more-more path, things get real shitty, real fast.

I’ll spare you the deets of my oh-so-graceful alcoholic timeline. But, suffice it to say, in the end, for me, the “getting real” option became my only option. It was an internal switch. No one flipped it for me. It’s a conclusion I had to come to alone. And, the best I can tell you is, when your compass points due North, start walking. (And, prepare for shit storms.)

Getting sober is one of the craziest things I’ve ever done. And, it continues to baffle me that, not only have I been able to maintain this lifestyle, but, I’ve managed to embrace it. Without my dangling-carrot, my anesthetic, my liquid-modus-operandi: things started to hurt. My body ached. My head felt swollen. I didn’t sleep.  Oh, and the apocalyptic, paralyzing, plutonium-reactor-grade emotional melt down. Yeah. That.

Yes, there’s the initial shock-wave, but soon after, the real motivations begin to emerge. Craziness and truth start to separate like oil and water. The truth is: I didn’t give up drinking to feel good. I gave up drinking, because I didn’t know what feeling good felt like anymore. There’s a big distinction.

I realized that, this time, I was for real. I didn’t give up drinking for 30 days just to say I did. The word “sobriety”  became relevant when I finally came to terms with the fact that I gave up drinking as an acknowledgment of something larger.  Something bigger was at work. That thing I’d been putting off for over a decade…Yeah: It’s pain.

And yes, pain sucks, until that amazing moment when you realize you are experiencing something. And suddenly, it’s like: “Oooh, so this is what pain feels like…”

After a decade of avoiding it, it’s a revelation: This is IT. This is what I’ve been missing: Feelings.

 

My advice to you: Get the headaches, lose some sleep, have a melt down. Feel something.

Now, that is a good fucking carrot.

 

Stay saucy,

Sarah

 

Accepting Thirty.

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THIS IS THIRTY: The moment where your Grandmother tells you that she prays, every night, that you’ll find a man. And, instead of laughing, you’re crying, thanking her profusely for her prayers.

I wish I could be an adult about this, because honestly, twenty days into my third decade, I should definitely qualify as one.

But, there’s that piece of me that just won’t comply. I’m still just a little girl standing in the middle of the living room, stomping her feet because she didn’t get her way. Thirty?! No! NO! NO!!!!

Why doesn’t the Universe know?! By now, I’m supposed to have a great job, one so overwhelmingly fabulous that I just spring out of bed every morning, dance into the bathroom, singing into my toothbrush like Joan Jet, serenading the day that awaits me. Just down the stairs, my hunk of a husband, is seated at the granite-topped island in our fabulous kitchen, reading John Updike, waiting, with a cup of French-press coffee, just for me.

STOP. WAIT. WAKE UP.

Welcome to my real life:

I’m single. Broke.  My cat has to scratch me out of bed in the morning because half the time I ignore the alarm. No one’s waiting with my coffee. I’m the one brewing a 12-cup pot of Costco Columbian Select when I arrive at my lack-luster desk job. Frankly, my Sonicare toothbrush is the most energetic part of my morning.

For the past few months, leading up to this: thirty, I’ve devoted a lot of time and energy to thinking about all the things I haven’t done. All the goals I haven’t accomplished. All the women I’ve wanted  to be, but, have successfully eluded becoming. I’ve thought about my contemporaries, assembling the dreaded comparative checklist. Sure, there are the “successes,” the lawyer/business mogul-superstar daughters of my mother’s coworker, and there are my cousins who are happy, married, and breeding. (Grandma’s prayers worked for them!) But, after some investigation, I found that most people in my age bracket have no idea what the fuck they’re doing. And, it’s OK! They’re surviving! We’re going to be alright!

When I actually slow down, assess the situation realistically, I realize that, maybe, just maybe, I’m right where I need to be.

And, for now, Right-Where-I-Need-To-Be happens to look like a crazy train wreck. Wham-O: I’m in the midst of a depressing break-up (again), at a dead-end job, and I’m a renter, a fucking renter! So fucking what?!

Thirty is really the same as twenty, except now, I’m a hot warm mess. I’ve learned truly valuable lessons about love, losing it, and what NOT to do. And bonus prize: I’m still YOUNG.

Holy shit people! I looked in the mirror on my thirtieth birthday and I had to admit, it’s the best I’ve looked in years!

I haven’t peaked! I’m not peaking!! This is PRIME TIME!!!

I’m sober. I get to live my life now, not just watch as it passes by my blurry eyes. And, while I’d be a big fat liar if I told you I had all my shit together, I’m not totally without purpose. There is a destination, I think, even if it’s a mystery. For the first time in my life, I feel worthy of something good. Now, maybe it hasn’t arrived just yet, but, I’m old enough to know it’s on the way.

Thirty is my lesson in acceptance.

Accept a new decade, and, realize that it’s the same deal.

Sure, it’d be nice to feel a bit more secure. It’d be nice to have a partner to pick me up when I crash and burn. It’d be nice to own a home. It’d be nice to know that if I die in my apartment, that someone will get to me before my cat eats my face. But, in all honesty, things are on the up’n’up. I’m no longer the wimpy twenty-something, chain smoking outside of bars, throwing back tequila shots, and falling off ledges–breaking, then losing, my $500 Prada glasses (yes, I did that).

I’m an adult, but, I’m still cooking. So, you can wait a few more years before you stick that fork in me, please.

Thirty Fucking Schmirty.

I’m on the way up my lil’ saucies.  On the way up.

Stay saucy,

Sarah

P.S. Tell me all about your birthday revelations in the comments! I want to hear your acceptance stories, pronto!!!

 

There’s just this moment. Now.

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Ram.Dass

When I first discovered Ram Dass, I was a lost soul.

I felt stuck. I was still drinking heavily, but, I was starting to question the road I was on. I knew in my gut that there was no way for me to keep up with my own lifestyle. I was afraid of who I was becoming. I didn’t know how to change. I didn’t know who to be. And, I was afraid to ask for help.

In my confusion, I began to read voraciously. And, in a passage of  Anne LaMott’s Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith, she mentions reading, and having a life-changing experience with, Ram Dass’ classic: The Only Dance There Is. I immediately went to my local bookstore and bought a copy. The moment I cracked open the spine, Ram Dass exploded into my heart. His language: woo woo, hippie-dippy, far-out, and super groovy, spoke to me. He was unapologetic about his place in the Universe. His presence was his own. I envied his clarity and confidence. In his own, marked place of presence, he made me feel PRESENT and ALIVE.

It was only a few months after reading The Only Dance There Is that I called my parents and told them I needed help: I wanted to stop drinking.  And, with their support, I was able to leave my job and enter a six month, holistic, outpatient rehab center.

Without drinking or using drugs I had no choice but to be present. Of course, I tried to distract myself. I obsessed. I got lost. But, eventually, I found myself in a moment where I had to stay. A moment where I had no choice but to experience what was happening. A moment that is everything and nothing simultaneously. Yes, it’s far out.

When I found my presence, it was scary. I’d spent most of my adult life attempting to escape such moments. Yet, somehow, it came to pass that I was actually seeking my own presence, my own unapologetic being.

Sobriety is the ability to be fully present. Any type of addiction cuts us off from our authentic state. It was difficult for me to get to a place where that concept made sense. I spent a lot of time missing my drinks. I was convinced I was missing out on something. But, eventually the opposite was revealed: I had been missing out on lots of things by continuing to drink and use drugs. Being present is the ultimate tool. If you can live with yourself, you can be anywhere, do anything, and feel any and every emotion, because no matter what, you’ll be authentically you. That’s all there is.

For the first time, I became present. I became available to myself and to the infinite Universe of which we are all an important part. It is a gift that I sincerely hope everyone has the opportunity to receive.

This week I encourage you to stop and Be. Here. Now.

How will you show up for yourself and the world today? What stops you from being present? Share your story in the comments…I want to hear it…

Stay saucy,

Sarah

 

 

 

Why Choosing Hapiness Is Your Best Option

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Jack

Maybe you’ve heard it before: We create our own luck.

Personally, I don’t believe in luck. But, I do believe that there’s something to creating our own circumstances.

For a long time, just shy of a year and a half to be exact, I stayed sober. I did the deal: I went to the meetings. I wrote in the journals. I called friends and family when I felt crazy. I got pedicures. I took long walks. I started eating right. I quit smoking. Blah. Blah. Blah. The list goes on.

I was miserable.

I discovered that time in sobriety wasn’t the key to unlocking my joy. And, it bummed me the fuck out.

I left a 12-Step meeting one night after a horrible day, and I decided it just wasn’t worth it. What was  the point of being sober if I always felt like shit? And, then and there, I decided to head to the bar. I figured I would stop and pick up a pack of smokes en route. I mean, why not ruin all my hard work in one fell swoop?! Right?!

As I pulled into the convenience store parking lot on my way to the bar, I realized something:

Nothing external, not a cigarette or a drink (or ten!) was going to fill the hole I had in my heart. I felt the weight of that truth more than I had felt the weight of anything else in my life, ever.

I knew whatever it was I was looking for was INSIDE ME  and I had to be the one to go in there and find it.

So, instead of going into that convenience store, I got back in the car and drove home. And, that night, I decided that I was going to be happy. I had to do it — or I’d be drunk. And that just wasn’t an option anymore.

Since that moment in the convenience store parking lot, I face everything with a positive attitude. My life has completely changed. It’s begun to flourish in ways I never dreamed possible for me. I created my joy from the seed of my pain. Explain that one…I sure can’t!

It’s not easy. I’ve been through some hard, even devastating shit, since my foray into happiness. And, I have to wake up and choose daily. Sometimes that choice is uncomfortable. I still make it.

The more I choose to be happy, the more I choose to let go of the past and all the limiting beliefs I have about myself, the easier it becomes…and life gets beautiful. That’s a promise.

Give it a try. What’s the worst that could happen?

How will you choose happiness today? Take some action! Leave a note in the comments. I want to hear your story.

Stay saucy (and happy),

Sarah

Define YOUR OWN Sobriety

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Merriam.Webster.

How do you define your sobriety? Merriam-Webster’s definition doesn’t cut it for me.

so·ber adjective \ˈsō-bər\ 
: not drunk
: having or showing a very serious attitude or quality
: plain in color

Pssshhh. I don’t know about y’all, but, my attitude is not serious nor am I plain in color.

I’m fuchsia people. I’m saucy  as hell.

Sobriety, once only considered a consequence, associated with street drunks and alley-way addicts, has new borders. It’s a state of mind that benefits EVERYONE. In this new-world revolution, we’re all striving for great health, emotional and professional balance, and true clarity. There’s nothing plain in color there. In fact, the color spectrum broadens as we start to think more clearly and behave in ways that are congruent with our authentic nature.

Sobriety is as bright as the frame that you put it in.

There’s frame #1: Survival Sobriety.  Quit or die.

Then, there’s frame #2: Choose Sobriety. I mean, think about it, who wouldn’t want to choose sobriety? What does your drink or drug of choice offer you that makes it more appealing than being your pure, unadulterated self? There’s no right or wrong answer here.

If you WANT to be sober, whether you need to be or not, it’s an amazing and worthy option. Embrace it.

What brought you to this page? Are you planning to be sober for life? Are you hopping on the sober train for a month or two to clear out the cobwebs? Have you been sober before and feel like it’s time to get back on the wagon?

No matter what your reasons for being here are: They’re amazing and valid.

Sobriety is about clarity of mind, being present for your life, and being a witness to what’s around you without mind altering substances.

All things being equal: Sobriety = Worth it = You.

What is your sober story? Share it!

Screw Merriam-Webster. Define yourself. We’re listening….

Stay Saucy,

Sarah